


What it meant to lose you

by bioplast_hero



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Canon Past Character Death, M/M, post-resurrection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 19:12:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16749952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bioplast_hero/pseuds/bioplast_hero
Summary: Post-Resurrection Data is puzzling what it means to be a copy of his own mind from his early-model brother's neural net. Geordi is much more interested in talking about what it means to him to have Data back.





	What it meant to lose you

**Author's Note:**

> Imagine this scene near the end of Cold Equations: Persistence of Memory.

"You seem preoccupied, Data. Do you want to talk about it?"

Data nodded, appreciating the invitation. "I find that I am troubled by the possibility that even with all of my memories intact, that I am in some way not the same being that I was before," Data said quietly. "So far I can tell that I am at least a very successful copy."

Geordi leaned on a terminal and crossed his arms, no doubt disapproving of the implication that Data was some kind of a clone of himself. But his friend wanted to hear him out before he voiced his own thoughts. "Go on."

"What if the transfer to B-4 missed something about my identity? My transfer process was primitive as compared with the human-to-android synaptic scanner Doctor Soong employed, for himself, and for my mother. Perhaps my personality could not be stored so easily as my memories and programs. There could easily be some element that remained in my former body's activation matrix, something we could not transfer because we could not isolate its mysteries."

Geordi only nodded, conceding some possibility for concern. Geordi had at the time been concerned the transfer would be too complete, somehow diminishing Data in the process. But since Data's self-sacrifice, Geordi had clung desperately to the hope presented by that imprint of Data's mind.

"Were my personality or behavior to be subtly changed, it would be hard to know if recent events in my life have changed me, or if my new brain has capacities that allow me to grow while remaining myself, or," he said ominously, "if changes would indicate that I am not the same being."

"Data, I... It is a fair concern, of course. But, if I can be candid," Geordi asked, receiving a nod in return, "I believe I would know if you were not yourself. I've seen you evolve. I believe I understand the difference between your growth and, I don't know, some corruption of who you are," Geordi suppressed a shudder, recalling Lore's manipulation. Data recalled the same.

Geordi refocused on Data, his expression softened. "Honestly, I was afraid of the same thing when I learned what Soong had in mind, but I haven't felt that fear once since you were activated. I see the recognition in your expression, I see the way that you respond to your friends, and I know those aren't the reflexes of a copy."

"I wish I were so certain. My recall of experiences, and my present interactions and sensations all support what you say. It is, I suppose, a 'nagging thought.' It is a very old dilemma, to be sure: Where do I begin and end? What kind of continuity is fundamental to my identity? I guess I am just... concerned."

Geordi was uncharacteristically quiet. 

"Something is bothering you, Geordi."

"I suppose you're right," Geordi sighed. "Doctor Soong wants me to let him copy my memory engrams from the day you sacrificed yourself for all of us. I just don't think that's the answer, Data. Why would we patch your memory of that day with mine?"

"He has suggested the same to me. He believes that I must have learned certain lessons about myself on that day, self-knowledge that he has hoped all his life I would attain. Since those memories are lost, he suggests I would benefit from what you learned about me on that day," Data said in his matter-of-fact way. Geordi had turned away, hiding whatever expression might be on his face. "However, I am not asking that you do this, Geordi. I know that it would be invasive. I would be satisfied to hear what you want to share with me of your thoughts. I believe Doctor Soong overlooked that option. I trust you to share what matters most."

Geordi turned and met Data's eyes, visibly relieved. "Thank you, Data." He hesitated, then added, "I have to believe you won't just think me selfish, as Doctor Soong certainly does. I feel like I am protecting you, too."

"What do you mean?"

Geordi's shrug could not mask the intensity of what he was feeling. "I really don't see how you would benefit from experiencing the suffering I went through," Geordi's voice held a tremor from the emotion he held back. "How will feeling my loss help you be... whole again?"

"Maybe it would not. But would it help you?" Data looked at him imploringly.

Geordi shook his head sadly, averting his eyes.

Data took two steps and embraced Geordi firmly, offering comfort, even protection. His gesture was so unexpected that Geordi lost his fight to contain the storm inside him. As Geordi returned the embrace he broke wide open, weeping quietly for several minutes, grateful for Data's stability as he abandoned his own. This was not the wailing grief Geordi expected to find buried there still, but an absolution.

He began to gather himself and pulled away, just then gasping out a laugh through his tears. Data looked at him quizzically as Geordi wiped at his eyes.

"You know, Doctor Soong might be right about those memories, he just doesn't know the half of it," Geordi said, wandering a few steps away from Data again. Geordi's eyes were on the bulkheads, the floor, looking anywhere but in Data's direction. "I experienced nearly every emotion I am capable of in those few few minutes: despair, hope, respect, regret, awe, courage, joy, and utter grief. An education in human emotion if there ever was one. And I saw emotion on your face, which you will never be able to convince me I did not see. When you thanked me. You thanked me for what I meant to you; I know that's what it was."

Data listened intently, clearly brimming with questions. But Geordi wasn't finished.

"And far from the official logs, with my memories would know what I think your sacrifice meant. To you. To us. I want you to know all of that. But," Geordi forced himself to meet Data's gaze again, "I'm desperately afraid to give you a look into my soul... to show you what your sacrifice meant to me."

Data stared, clearly parsing these words for clues, for all possible implications. Then it seemed to dawn on him, his eyes refocusing, his face lengthening in an expression that Geordi would have to call wonder.

"You've caught me, Sherlock. I am in love with you. I can't begin to tell you what I lost the day that you saved us all."

Data knew all at once what Noonien Soong wanted him to see. He wanted Data to see his innate android emotions respond to Geordi's strong feelings. Because when he chose to die to save his friends, he did so out of great love for them all. For them all, and most of all, for this one. It had given him great joy to be able to save this human's world.

Data stepped toward him, but to his surprise, Geordi stiffened and Data came up short, hesitating. "Geordi, I--"

"--I'm sorry, Data, but if this isn't what you want, you had better go now. I'm not going to be able to hide this anymore." Geordi spoke with fire behind his eyes.

"I am not going anywhere," Data said, resolute, and stepped into Geordi's arms, his hands finding Geordi's cheek, his hair, as their lips met in passion. Geordi shuddered as he moved wildly to pull Data closer, willing him to never leave again.

The lab provided little privacy, and nowhere to lie down besides carpeted flooring. Instinctively, they found themselves taking cover behind one of the terminal stations as their clothes began to fall to the deck. But little thought was given to these things. Their mouths hardly parted for moments at a time. Data's lips worked down Geordi's neck and collarbone as the human shuddered and gasped in pleasure. Data lowered his lover to the carpet and continued kissing down his bare chest. There was no hesitation, no clarification, only action.

\--

Geordi lay on his back and folded Data into his arms. The android settled in closer, nestling his face into Geordi's neck, his ear on the human's shoulder, the length of his naked body pressing into Geordi's side. To Geordi, Data's caress felt warm and animated, so like flesh and blood, and Geordi breathed deeply with contentment.

"I cannot offer you human emotions, Geordi, but if you will accept it, I have loved you in my own way for many years. I believe I know what Doctor Soong wanted me to discover: my innate capacity to love. And he knew that I would see this reacting to your strong feelings. Perhaps he knew that the conversation alone would be enough."


End file.
